Who am I anyway?

Our house is dominated by costume creation for Halloween right now.

They are running a ghost train at the local esplanade through some beautiful forest and they employ students to dress up in hideous costumes and jump out of bushes.

Manaaki and I were standing in line waiting for the ghost train and I found a rare moment for some self-reflection. Or should I say social comparison? Most people in the line were young parents, but so diverse. There were the couples in front of me.  One woman with beautiful grungy pink hair and another with blond streaks and a headband.  They were not my people.  And then further up there was this woman dressed in nice jeans and a black merino jacket and wearing the coolest hat.  It was like a knitted fox's head with cute ears. Her style seemed kind of Portland-esque and very cool. Alternative but friendly.  I wanted her hat.  I wanted to be her. Suddenly I wanted to move to Portland and take up knitting alternative animal hats, although I've never been much good at knitting.

Instead I am a plus-size, greying, queer Mama with cheap second-hand clothes covered in cornflour from the messy play at kindy this morning.  I don't know what pigeon hole people put me into when they meet me.  Do I want to know? Should it matter?

I guess I wonder if I will ever really belong anywhere. I feel a warm welcome from the community at Manaaki's school and at my raranga course, but I am not Maori. I'm lesbian, but not one of those cool, sporty lesbians with great hair. I wear op-shop clothes, but I don't fit those vintage fashions that look so styley.

I suppose the group I most identify with is people who have experienced mental distress.  A shared experience of overcoming trauma is a powerful glue.  And that experience is indisputably mine, although some may dispute its value.

I stand at a crossroads.  Seeking some form of work outside the house.  Seeking a home in a new country. Seeking a reinvention or finding out who I was all along.

Mrs and Mrs

Nearly 10 years after we had a civil union and we have 'upgraded' to a marriage.  We eloped to Wellington and it was a low-key but special day.

Great to have the kids be part of the celebration too.

Afterwards we took our homemade cupcakes to a cozy little outside space at a waterfront cafe with heaters and comfy couches and had coffees and chilled out for a bit then took the kids to te papa.

Queensland slice of paradise

So I got to try a taste of travelling with the kids over the school holidays.

Verdict: it's hard work

And that was with the very generous help and finances of Granny and Pa Dave.

We flew from Wellington to Sydney (around 3 hours) and Granny and Pa Dave met us at the airport.  We stayed the night in Sydney and then flew to Hervey Bay (1 hour 20 mins) the following day.


The major hassle was the car seats.  I recommend setting aside an extra 15 minutes and AU$20 per taxi ride to cover the time faffing around trying to get them in and out.

The next hassle is the portacot at the motels.  Each time my mother rang ahead and asked them to set it up for us.  Each time we arrived and the dastardly things were not set up and we could not seem to get them to work and needed to call for help from the staff.

The final hassle was not exclusively a problem to do with international travel. The baby seemed to develop some kind of Pavlovian response to the carseat and had a poo explosion every time we put her in the car and went out shopping.  Thank goodness for well equipped parents' rooms at the mall.

Hassles aside it was a wonderful trip.  Great to spend some time with my mother and the place where she lives is truly amazing.  Beautiful beach, great amenities and excellent library and second-hand shops.

My favourite travel accessory was the baby carrier.  Essential in long queues at customs and great for beach walks.  I bought a cheapie one online that is probably all kinds of dodgy but I was in a hurry and short on funds.  I would love to invest in a reputable one like Rose and Rebellion .

So the travel has begun.  Who knows where and when we will chase the rainbow next...

Settling in or setting off?

Will we stay or will we go now?

This week has been a week of settling in for Rangimarie.  She started with her childcare with a young woman down the road.  It went really well - exceeding all my expectations.  Rangimarie seemed very happy to be left there.  There was no crying and she seemed content and animated when I picked her up.  I think she had fun.  Having only one other child her age and lots of attention from her carer and other family members who were visiting probably helped.

I haven't felt like I have had a lot of breathing room yet as she hasn't done her full two-and-a-half hour sessions yet but hopefully this week I will feel like I have enough time to achieve some things.

This week it seems we are pretty set on moving to California as soon as we can secure a job.  I'm going to apply for visas when I get back from Australia.

So coming up next weekend I have a noho marae (weekend retreat) for my weaving class and then the following weekend I'm taking the kids to Australia for a week to visit my Mum.  The start of our traveling rainbows adventure.

What a week!

We found a really sweet young woman to take care of Rangimarie for 10 hours each week.  She lives just down the road and has a baby who is around the same age so hopefully they will be good little friends. I'm really excited to have time for myself, even if I mainly end up doing the washing.

So then the paperwork began.  There were all the forms to fill in for the agency that supports the educator.  Then there were all the bureaucratic hurdles to get a subsidy.  It felt insurmountable but I finally filled in all the forms, collected the 10 or so documents needed to prove my identity and then waited in line to get it all verified. We haven't heard back yet but all going well we will qualify for a decent subsidy.  I love New Zealand and the welfare state.

Then there was a horrific housefire in a neighbouring suburb and one of Manaaki's classmates was killed in the blaze along with her grandmother.  It still rips me apart.  She was the sweetest little girl and her grandmother did a lot for the school. The tangi was on Friday night and I took Manaaki to the first bit and all the kids ran about like crazy until it got later and later and so most parents took their kids home and then we came back.  In the end we were there until about 2am.  It felt good to just sit with people and take the time and then listen to the welcome and sing with each other.  It puts everything in stark relief.  Life is so precious and fleeting.

Our travel plans are very fluid .  One minute we plan to drive through every state.  The next we think a home base and shorter trips will suit everyone better.  There are some job prospects that are looking good but nothing definite yet.  In the meantime I have plans for the garden.  It has been a beautiful crisp day and I managed to weed a little round the front.  We have a magnolia in our garden that takes my breath away at this time of year.  Photos don't really do it justice but here is one anyway.

This is the before picture of my life

I turned the first sod in our vegie patch today.

I don't know if it's Spring arriving, my Mum leaving town, or the baby starting to crawl but I feel like I have woken up from a dream and started living again.

Everywhere there are budding magnolia trees and daffodils.

We have many different plans and dreams for our future. We might travel in the US or Australia. We might stay put and grow a vegie garden. We will see what events unfold and let winds blow us where they may.

As I turned the pitchfork in the earth, Manaaki cleared the brickwork beside me and Marolyn stood by Rangimarie taking her first steps with a baby trolley on the soft, waterlogged grass. I felt very pleased with my life.