Reaping what I've sown

I started this blog in Spring with a photo of our wildly overgrown vegetable patch.  While the garden was not a huge success this year, mainly due to the paucity of time and effort that I put into it, I did manage to plant some potatoes and here is what we harvested the other day.

The wind of a job opportunity that I heard about just before Christmas turned into an actual job and I started last week.  It's just 10 hours a week.  Mainly in the evenings.  I love getting out of the house and having some time to devote to something else.
The pay is good. The people are lovely.  I feel very blessed.

We booked some tickets to Los Angeles for later in the year.  Manaaki is very excited about visiting Disneyland.

My business goals have fallen somewhat by the wayside as I've adjusted to the new routine of work but I still have plans to pursue them.

I don't feel as tired and demoralized as I did at the end of the school holidays.  It's still a struggle but I feel like I'm winning a bit more of the time.

If there is one lesson I have taken out of this it is 'Never let an opportunity to reach out slip by as you don't know where it could take you'.

Life's no picnic

Today we went and visited our very dear friend Kedron at a house she was house-sitting and she treated us to a delicious lunch including this bread pictured and a mouthwatering pasta al fresca.  We even got to pick raspberries from the garden and put them our drinks.  The garden was amazing.  It's inspiring to see what people can do with a space.

I don't mean to whine but I've really been struggling lately.  I'm exhausted and most days can't drag myself out of bed before 10am.  Understandably, this puts pressure on Marolyn to cope with the breakfast routine by herself.  I just feel sapped of all energy and have got very little done around the house.  This compounds the problem as the house is a tip and looking around and trying to get things done in a mess is demoralizing in itself.

On the plus side, I emailed my old boss to say Merry Christmas and she called me right back with wind of a job opportunity.  I don't really know anything about it other than it is part-time but it is exciting to think I might be able to back up my business income with some regular hours of employment.  Now I just have to wait for the contact person to get back from leave so I can find out more.

It might seem strange that while I'm struggling with this lack of energy I'm pursuing work outside the home.  I actually think a work routine would do me good.  I think I need some stimulation and the chance to focus on something other than cutting up apples and stopping the toddler from eating rocks - her favorite activity right now.

There is food at the end of my hands

Today I am working on a business plan for my massage business.  The idea is I will dust off my 15 year old Diploma in Massage Therapy and do some corporate chair massage.  I still haven't come up with a name for the business yet.  I meet with the bank tomorrow and I'm quite excited.

We have Mum staying at the moment which is great.  Yesterday we had a relaxing time at the Esplanade and took the kids on the scenic railway.  Today Mum has taken Rangimarie for a long walk and M and Manaaki are on a bike ride.  Last night M and I snuck out for an ice cream and a walk while Mum watched the kids.  It was great to have some space to be together and we are both feeling really inspired about new creative ideas.

Hopefully, 2016 will be the year of making some of our entrepreneurial dreams a reality.

Whiri, Whiri!

Today feels hard for some reason.  It's been an exhausting week and sometimes I wonder whether I will ever feel like I've caught up.

I went to the market this morning and stocked up on fresh vegies.  Our favourite vegie stall had kale again so I'm hoping to boost my energy with a green juice sometime this weekend.

In the meantime I'm getting the sleepout ready for my Mum coming to stay.  Very excited about that.

So, weaving it all together - the good and the bad.  Will wait and see how everything turns out.

Reluctant marchers

I took the kids on the climate march yesterday.  They were not that keen.

Manaaki said in highly cynical tones, "I don't want to listen to some dumb speech about how to save the world".

I still felt some stirrings of emotion as the small crowd rounded the corners of the square with some lacklustre chants of "Solutions not pollution!" and "Solar power to the people!".

We missed the speeches as I had to make good on my bribe of frozen yoghurt at the mall.

In other news, M did not get the job we were hoping for in the US.  We have revised our plans.  Coming into Summer here it is so beautiful in the backyard.  We would be paying twice what we pay here if we lived in Ventura and we would be in a tiny appartment.  Not to mention the stress and expense of moving and renting out our house and setting up in a new place.

So the new plan is that I will earn some money next year and we will save up and have an extended holiday in California.  Now let the money making commence!

Baby steps

We have the plague at our house.  Both the kids have tummy bugs and while neither M or I have it yet, we both feel under the weather.

I had such high hopes of getting the house clean, getting cracking on the garden and finishing up my book work for my raranga (weaving) course.  Instead the last five days have been a fog of sick buckets and dirty nappies and hospital emergency rooms.  The most I can hope to accomplish is running the dishwasher after dinner.

I cling to the belief that one day I will feel energy when I wake up in the morning.  That I will get the house in some sense of order.  That I will have a moment to catch up with friends.

In the meantime I am snacking on the little things.  Rangimarie's proud smile as she takes tentative, unsteady steps.  Manaaki's determination to master a new strum on the ukulele.

Who am I anyway?

Our house is dominated by costume creation for Halloween right now.

They are running a ghost train at the local esplanade through some beautiful forest and they employ students to dress up in hideous costumes and jump out of bushes.

Manaaki and I were standing in line waiting for the ghost train and I found a rare moment for some self-reflection. Or should I say social comparison? Most people in the line were young parents, but so diverse. There were the couples in front of me.  One woman with beautiful grungy pink hair and another with blond streaks and a headband.  They were not my people.  And then further up there was this woman dressed in nice jeans and a black merino jacket and wearing the coolest hat.  It was like a knitted fox's head with cute ears. Her style seemed kind of Portland-esque and very cool. Alternative but friendly.  I wanted her hat.  I wanted to be her. Suddenly I wanted to move to Portland and take up knitting alternative animal hats, although I've never been much good at knitting.

Instead I am a plus-size, greying, queer Mama with cheap second-hand clothes covered in cornflour from the messy play at kindy this morning.  I don't know what pigeon hole people put me into when they meet me.  Do I want to know? Should it matter?

I guess I wonder if I will ever really belong anywhere. I feel a warm welcome from the community at Manaaki's school and at my raranga course, but I am not Maori. I'm lesbian, but not one of those cool, sporty lesbians with great hair. I wear op-shop clothes, but I don't fit those vintage fashions that look so styley.

I suppose the group I most identify with is people who have experienced mental distress.  A shared experience of overcoming trauma is a powerful glue.  And that experience is indisputably mine, although some may dispute its value.

I stand at a crossroads.  Seeking some form of work outside the house.  Seeking a home in a new country. Seeking a reinvention or finding out who I was all along.